Why Leaders Avoid Feedback
Why Leaders Avoid Feedback (And How Getting It Wrong Creates Conflict)
Most leaders know feedback matters.
Yet it’s one of the most consistently avoided leadership behaviours.
Not because leaders don’t care, but because feedback feels risky.
Risky to the relationship.
Risky to morale.
Risky to how we’re perceived.
So feedback gets delayed, softened, packaged up… or avoided altogether.
And when feedback finally does happen, often under pressure, it can land badly.
Why we avoid feedback in the first place
There are a few common reasons leaders avoid feedback:
Fear of damaging trust or the relationshp
Fear of emotional reactions (defensiveness, tears, shutdown)
Fear of being seen as harsh, critical or unfair
Uncertainty about how to say it “the right way”
Ironically, the very thing leaders are trying to protect, the relationship is what suffers most when feedback is avoided.
Because silence doesn’t feel neutral.
It feels like withholding.
What happens when feedback is delayed or avoided
When feedback isn’t given:
Issues don’t disappear, they grow
Patterns become habits
Frustration builds quietly on both sides
Leaders start managing around the issue instead of addressing it
Eventually, feedback comes out sideways, in your tone, body language, sarcasm, or a moment of frustration.
And that’s when feedback turns into conflict.
When feedback turns into conflict
Not all conflict is the same.
There’s task conflict disagreement about work, standards or outcomes.
And there’s relational conflict , where trust, identity and intent feel under threat.
Poorly delivered feedback almost always shifts the conversation from task to relationship.
Instead of:
“This piece of work missed the mark.”
The person hears:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not trusted.”
“You don’t respect me.”
Once feedback is experienced as a threat to identity or belonging, the brain moves into protection mode. Defensiveness increases. Curiosity shuts down. Learning stops.
At that point, you’re no longer having a feedback or performance conversation, you’re managing fallout.
The link between trust and feedback acceptance
Feedback is only accepted at the speed of trust.
When trust is present, people are far more likely to:
Hear feedback without becoming defensive
Separate the work from their identity
Stay open and reflective
Act on what they hear
When trust is low, even well-intended feedback can feel unsafe.
Trust isn’t built in the feedback moment itself.
It’s built before the feedback, through clarity, consistency, fairness and follow-through.
This is why leaders who avoid feedback in the name of being “nice” often find it harder to give feedback later. The trust they were trying to protect quietly erodes.
As Brené Brown reminds us:
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Why delivery and intention matters
Most leaders don’t intend to create conflict.
But intention doesn’t override impact.
Feedback lands poorly when it is:
Too vague (“You just need to lift your game”)
Too delayed (“This has been an issue for months”)
Too personal (“You always…” / “You never…”)
Delivered without context or expectations
When feedback lacks clarity and care, people fill in the gaps, usually with the most threatening interpretation.
What effective feedback actually requires
Effective feedback isn’t about being softer.
It’s about being clearer earlier.
Strong feedback:
Is anchored to expectations that were already set
Focuses on behaviour and impact, not character
Is timely close to the moment, not months later
Is delivered with respect and genuine intent to help
And importantly, it sits within an ongoing relationship, not as a standalone “event”.
The leadership shift that matters
The real shift for leaders is letting go of “avoiding discomfort?” and stepping into “building capability through honest conversations?”
Because feedback doesn’t damage trust.
Avoiding it does.
When leaders build trust, set clear expectations, and give feedback with care, feedback stops being something people fear and starts becoming something they value.
