Why Being Nice Is Not the Same as Leading with Care (And why it matters more than you think)
Many leaders genuinely care about their people.
They want to be supportive, approachable, and well-liked. So they default to being nice.
When it comes to leadership, mistaking nice for kindness or leading with care is a costly mistake.
Because being nice is not the same as being kind.
And it’s certainly not the same as leading with care.
In fact, over-indexing on niceness can unintentionally hold people back.
The hidden cost of “nice” leadership
Being nice usually shows up as:
Avoiding difficult conversations
Softening expectations to spare feelings
Withholding feedback until it feels “safe”
Letting performance issues slide for the sake of harmony
On the surface, this looks caring. Neurologically and behaviourally, it often isn’t.
What the brain needs to perform well
Our brains are wired to constantly scan for three things at work:
Certainty – Do I know what’s expected of me?
Fairness – Are standards applied consistently?
Psychological safety – Can I learn, speak up, and recover from mistakes?
When leaders are nice but unclear, the brain doesn’t experience safet it experiences ambiguity. And ambiguity is cognitively expensive. A little bit a useful Neuroscience, uncertainty increases threat responses in the brain, pulling energy away from the prefrontal cortex (where learning, problem-solving and good judgement live) and into protection mode. In other words, when expectations are vague, people don’t relax, they brace.
So while being nice may reduce short-term discomfort for the leader, it often creates long-term friction, anxiety and underperformance for the team.
Why being nice doesn’t help people grow
Growth requires feedback.
Feedback requires clarity.
Clarity requires courage.
When leaders avoid being direct:
People don’t know what “good” looks like
Small issues compound into bigger problems
High performers become frustrated by lowered standards
Underperformance is left unaddressed
Over time, this erodes trust, not because leaders were too harsh, but because they weren’t honest.
As Brené Brown famously puts it:
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
What leading with care actually looks like
Leading with care is not about being softer. It’s about being more intentional.
Leading with care balances empathy and accountability, these thigs don’t’ need to be mutually exclusive, our brains respond well to that combination.
Here’s what leading with care looks like
Understanding individual differences
People are different – it’s what makes their contributions valuable. Leading with care means taking the time to understand how each person prefers to work, receive feedback and be supported.Creating clarity and certainty
Clear expectations reduce cognitive load. When people know what success looks like, how decisions are made, and where they have autonomy, their brains can focus on performance rather than self-protection.Providing support without removing responsibility
Care is not rescuing. It’s equipping. Leaders who lead with care ensure their people have the skills, tools and feedback they need while holding them accountable for their outcomesBeing honest and human
Timely, respectful honesty builds trust far more effectively being nice. When feedback is delivered with care and clarity, it strengthens psychological safety rather than threatening it.
Making the leadership shift
The real shift for leaders is letting go of “How do I keep people comfortable?” and stepping into “How do I help people succeed?”
Because comfort doesn’t drive growth.
Clarity, care and challenge do.
Want to build this capability?
Leading with care is a skill and like any skill, it can be learned and practised.
Our Leadership Fundamentals designed to help leaders:
Build confidence in real conversations
Balance care with accountability
Set clear expectations without losing trust
Develop people while still delivering results
Because your people don’t need you to be nice.
They need you to lead with care.
Find out more here
